Closing Thoughts
by mnemophobia321
Summary: During the final moments of Ellie and Joel's journey, Ellie begins to think on her latest experiences and relays these thoughts to Riley. Rated T for frequent profanity. SPOILER for the ending of the game.


**A/N: So, this is my take on the final scene in The Last of Us in the form of Ellie's thoughts being 'told' to her late best friend, Riley. I apologise that it's not very long but please R&R, I love receiving feedback and constructive criticism! I don't own any of the characters of The Last of Us.**

Survivor's guilt. Yeah, that had to be it. Of course I trust Joel, otherwise I wouldn't have stuck with him for so long. We make a good team, surviving for this long isn't easy. You of all people would understand that, I mean you gave me first experience of being outside. I don't know why I felt like I had to tell him everything. I guess because it's all over now. Joel says the Fireflies aren't looking for a cure anymore, the fuckers. I mean shit, I just… I thought that maybe you and the others didn't die for nothing. Maybe I could have stopped this thing from spreading, maybe that was why I was around. Fuck. Riley, I'm so sorry.

We could have just not gone out that day. Why did we have to? I mean I know the quarantine zone was shitty but if we didn't leave, would you still be here? Maybe we just had bad luck, I dunno. Tess and Joel talked about how they were lucky to have kept surviving. 'Oops, right?' was all she had to say, like it was bound to happen, and then we fucking left her. I owed Tess, she was the one who convinced Joel to keep going. I owed you too, Riley. Technically, I still owe you but the Fireflies don't need me. I don't even fucking know anymore.

And Sam. I still have that stupid toy he wanted. Well, I guess it's not that stupid. It's pretty cool but it'd be better if he was actually here to play with it. I don't know what I'm supposed to do with it, I never really had any. I preferred the arcade games you showed me, they were fucking awesome. I don't get why Sam didn't just tell us. He was so scared of turning, Riley, you have no idea. I mean, Tess was fucking brave for what she did but so was Sam, but in a different way. Does that even make sense? He wasn't a coward, nowhere near.

"I'm still waiting for my turn." It all just spilled out. That fucking Runner. It just kept replaying in my head. Poetic, huh? I guess it would have been. Going crazy together and forgetting everything that we are. I'm sorry but I'm with Tess on that one, kinda just sounds like we were giving up. We didn't seem afraid like how Sam did. He was alone, we weren't. I wish I could've stayed with you all, wish I could've saved you but I couldn't. There's no fucking cure and there isn't anything I can do to even fucking change that. I wanted to scream at Joel, beat the hell out of something but all I do is stare at him, barely listening to him talk but it's all sinking in.

I got fucking dragged across the country, full of infected and all sorts of fucked up people, just to find out I'm not needed. It's bullshit. One minute I'm drowning and the next I'm in the back of a car wearing some shitty hospital dress. You would've laughed at that thing, Riley, it was pretty fucking terrible. I'd take that dress thing over what happened with David. Riley, I was more scared of him than any of the infected. Just… fuck. I'm glad Joel was around.

And then it boils up inside me, "Swear to me," I see Joel take a breath, like he knows what's coming. Like he has something to hide. And he knows that I know, "Swear to me that everything you said about the Fireflies is true." There's something final about what I'm asking him. I don't know what I'm expecting him to say. 'Of course, Ellie' or 'I'm really sorry', just something. But for the longest moment he didn't say a word. I don't know if I even want him to answer. I wonder if I should've just shut up and kept walking to Tommy's. I don't usually regret saying something but the look on Joel's face fucking killed me.

"I swear." Joel's voice was confident and took me by surprise. It was convincing enough but something was off. I'd spent enough time with him to know a thing or two about Joel. He'd been hardened by the outbreak, surviving for twenty years and living with himself for the shit he'd seen and done. Yeah, to everyone else he seemed just like a serious guy but I'd seen him lighten up a little. He even made shitty jokes every once in a while and we had some times where things just seemed normal. But something was off. His voice was too serious, like he was really trying to convince me. And I knew why.

Of course, why hadn't I realised before? Fuck, Joel. You just… we went through all that shit together. Why? This is such bullshit, Joel! Fuck you! What if it worked? What if you fucking just… Why did you - ? At first I don't understand anything. I don't want to, but does it really matter? I'm not saying any of this out loud. I look at him and know why. Like it all suddenly made sense. He was standing in front of looking even weaker than when he fell on that fucking pole. I wouldn't let you die. You and I, we look out for each other, right? I feel a stinging in my eyes. Joel, you…

I find myself nodding.

"Okay."


End file.
